SHE BROKE YOUR HEART !? THIS COULD HAPPEN IF YOU DON’T HEAL REAL QUICK
Just like acquaintance and getting to love someone is a process, so is healing after break up. Ever had that lady you love so much then one morning you wake up with a midnight text you may have dropped in your dm in the middle of the night. She chose to miss a few minutes of sleep but yes indeed her message had to reach you. How you take it is the elephant in the room but what’s important is the adjustment to a new reality. So we came u with these 18 stages of healing that could help you through your situation.
Here a girl dumps or divorces you.It is cold. It is shocking. You can’t believe how casual, how machieavelian she is. Since it comes when you are at your lowest and when you least expect (even when you saw or heard it coming like a train announcing it’s arrival, you will be caught by surprise. The same happens when you lose your job, a friend cons you a good one. The anger stage is a whole memo on its own.
Rejection is a like a wolf. The German people say, Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is. Depression stems from the fear. For a moment, you feel unworthy that the person you loved the most, who accepted you, is now gone. You are afraid. Making peace with this fact is so hard and few men can process it. So much for being true romantics. Depression is a lonely phase. Full of insomnia and food tastes like rusting nails.
That phase of drunk-texting your ex. Or if you still cordial, you try to mend things. You have some hope that you can salvage the situation. Nothing as bad in a relationship than being the one who is being dumped. That simping, ego-crushing situation where you demand an explanation (none is ever given, instead it is disrespect that is always served) is you trying to deal with the new reality.
I call this the ‘false acceptance’ stage. Where you lull yourself into believing or accepting that in deed it over. You have drunk enough liquor, abused enough drugs and now you want to move on. You try some rebound. You lie to yourself that you are OK. But not a day goes without you thinking of those who hurt you.
False Acceptance comes with a lot of denial. “It can’t be me”, “I will be better”, “I deserve better…” Denial comes with a lot of numbing down your emotions. You want to trust your emotional strength. You are collapsing but you have to put up enough courage.
It is a helpless stage. You miss her. But you can’t bring yourself to tell her. Even so, you are probably blocked. Or she has moved on with some dude with a box head. She looks so happy. And you are wondering is that the same girl who told me she would die without you in her life. Yo know you are now a fringe part of her memory, sucks. And most men don’t know girls live in the present, and have zero capacity for nostalgia. This makes the of such men sadness doubly worse.
Guilt is so mixed up. You are guilty of not dumping her sooner. Guilty of missing her. You are guilty of the feelings you have for her. Guilty that you can’t move on. Guilt for being stuck.
You have no idea how deeply you loved her.
Now in your insomnia, you have to deal with the fact that she is firmly imprinted in your mind. No escape. And you have no plan.
9. COMPLICATED GRIEF DISORDER
Several months later you are still stuck. Even more sorrowful. No man ever forgets his one best ex. In every bar conversation, men always bring up their exes who did them dirty. And you can tell those men whose grief has gotten more complicated over the years. This phase is deeply intense, sickening and you can’t move on. It is worsened if the other party moved on and you lost your will you to live.
Everyone around you is tired of your sob story. Now your healing in on your hands. Deal with it. You will heal by force.
11. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE
Now, you are better off. You can even be discharged from the hospital. Doctors hope you will stick to their newly recommended regimen and be disciplined. You have seen the errors of your ways. You no longer drunk-text your ex, or throw tantrums.
12. DENIAL & ISOLATION
Second phase of denial comes with isolation. Here you have doubts. You wonder if it can still work. Here is where you previously separated couple hide from people and start sleeping with each other. There is even talk of getting back together. Some do and it works. 99.99 of the time it never works though and leaves a far horrible aftertaste in their mouths. One realizes how possessive they are. Since they are doing these things secretly, nobody knows, the next disappointment is even more sorrowful. It is the acceptance that the market is dirty and you made a wrong call quitting your marriage. Or the relationship and now you had to go back. Swallowing pride is not easy.
Heartbreak pains are very persistent. I recently had a discussion with a friend who got divorced in 2016. He has since remarried. Two children later. Really decent and loving new wife. But in a vulnerable moment he opened about the pain of his first wife leaving. It was so palpable. Pain is as a result of realizing that the universe is indifferent to how we feel. That whatever you want, believe in, often doesn’t matter in the large scheme of things.
You panic that you are not good enough for anyone. There are more rejections on the road to self acceptance.
Rejections beget rage. The stage is the most complicated stage in the chart. Because your anger is justified, can be explained and it is easier to apportion blame to everyone except ourselves.
Rage is good and even therapeutic but if one doesn’t move from this ward, they end up in a ‘Shakahola’ situation . To heal from the rage stage, all you need is to accept that women are human beings and thus accept their nature and deal with it.
Will I ever date again?
Do I need women in my life?
How bad is it to live as a bachelor?
You want to decide on the next best move that can liberate you. But there are no black and white answers.
Confusion begets crying. But this should be short-lived if you have gone through the sessions on correct order.
And then you accept that life is what it is. You become a bachelor. You remarry. You retune your life and start over. You don’t hate women. You don’t hate anyone. You don’t blame anyone for your failures. You become the best version of yourself.